GOOD

Were you taught, as I was and as many are, to be a good girl, a good sister, a good daughter, a good wife and a good mother?  To be sweet and kind and submissive?  To uphold the subordinate role of women in this male dominated world? 

It seems most, if not all, of us were. We are taught by our parents at first, of course, because “boys will be boys” but girls must clean up the messes they leave behind, right? Then it’s enforced at school, at houses of worship, at our workplaces. We are the coffee servers, by default, somehow – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Boys who become men observe all of this and internalize it, too, feeling entitled to our help and it all gets perpetuated in our relationships and in our homes as well.  

As females of the species, over time we develop an inner voice which never shuts off but continues to remind us of all the things that need doing, all the people who need our support. And perhaps it’s not all programming but rather due to our ability to bring life into this world. We tend to take on the nurturing role quite easily, that’s true, and yet most of us have learned that being selfish is the very worst someone can say about us. “Selfish” somehow has become a dirty word, hasn’t it? 

In truth, we have all been brainwashed.  

We have become our own controllers, agents of the patriarchy. We enforce these expectations internally and with each other. 

There’s always the older woman on the bus or in the grocery store who will remind you to be a good girl in one way or another, isn’t there? Or the friend in your teens who gives you that makeover to make you more pleasing to the male eye? To say nothing of the many women we call “influencers” on social media focused on the sole goal of becoming the bride, of planning your dream wedding. Which leads to what, exactly? A lifetime of putting a man first to the point of denying your own gifts, your own dreams? 

Being that good daughter/mother/wife/woman who gives and gives leads to exhaustion. To adrenal fatigue, to depression and anxiety. To disorders and disease, to dissatisfaction with life itself. It leads to contorting yourself in a way that robs the world of contributions to art, science, business, and more.  I do not believe, cannot believe, that half the population is born to become robotic and hollow vessels who only focus on supporting the other half while birthing children to continue the same. It just doesn’t make sense.  

Yet for more than half my lifetime, I did just that. Until the day when my meditation teacher, Jonathan Foust, made a simple statement which shook my internalized beliefs to the core. He said, “We serve best from a place of overflow” and I stared at him blankly.  After repeating it a couple times, he used the metaphor of a huge fountain in downtown Chicago.  If water didn’t flow to the pipes and fill the reservoir below the fountain, the huge plumes of water which arched high in the sky would dwindle down to a trickle, and then disappear entirely. 

Which is exactly what happens to women who constantly push forward and do all that needs to be done in their homes and in the world without making sure they are being fed, too. Those who have that inner engine constantly running, that voice reminding them of this, that and everything else that must be done, that is fueled by the fear of being selfish. Those of us who rarely (or never) unplug from all the caretaking and support to be sure that we have fully topped up with whatever it is we need to feel fueled to the point of overflow. The many women who have no concept of living fully and well for themselves, first and foremost. 

It is life changing, this putting yourself first, and it is healing for ourselves and for all those around us. 

It’s time, my sisters, to wake up. To put ourselves first, to remind each other not to be good, but to fill our own cups. It’s the best thing, truly, we can do to create a much better world for us all.

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